The Belchers Part Two

So there I was...staring at a bag bursting with swag...trying to think of a way to resolve the situation...whilst the perpetrator of the crime and general criminal overlord...AKA:..'My Gran'...was proudly strutting around the house with a neck brace formed from gold necklaces!


Gran hadn't just lifted jewellery and bric-a-brac from the neighbours house...she'd taken furniture too!...It's surprising what you can get into a Lidl shopping trolley!...


The wardrobe freaked me out...it was exactly like the one Gran put in my room when I was little...and the reason a tiny dribble of wee was running down my leg...(could have been worse I suppose!).


It was becoming more obvious by the minute that I was the pillock who'd have to put it all back...somehow!...Probably the most frightening thing I had to do first was to tell Gran...


"F*ck off!..You've no chance...you scurvy riddled weezil!...It's my stuff and it's staying with me!"...she remonstrated.


"But it's not your 'stuff' Gran!...Is it??...It belongs to Mr+Mrs Belcher...Think how they'll feel when they get home and see what's happened!...Imagine how gutted they'll be to discover that the person they trusted more than any other...The person they left their key with to look after their treasured belongings...Is the same bloody person who nicked it all!!...YOU!!!...How does that make you feel eh?..."...I shouted.


She lowered her head slowly...Chin resting upon her chest...and that's when I noticed the way her little body was shuddering...just like it always does when she's pissing herself laughing!!!...


"Oh I give up Gran!"...I cried despondently...


"For f*cks sake!..Do what you want with the lot of it!...I'm not arsed...and drop the f*ckin' whining...else I'll do with you what I did with your cousin Eric!"...


Poor Eric...she still refers to him as...'The Little Prick'...and to his face!


Without further ado...I began to gather the booty...and pile it back into the trolley. Gran skipped out of the room... (literally...each hop punctuated by a resounding burst of wind)... just as Granddad re-emerged from wherever he'd been hiding. 

Instantly he began to help me out...and before long I was ready to take it back to the neighbours house. I told Granddad he could stay with Gran 'cos I could manage...but he said he didn't see why he should be punished ...and insisted upon coming along with me.


Getting the stuff back inside wasn't the worry...it was knowing where it all went.


Finding Gran upstairs in her bedroom...I asked her if she'd help me put it back where it came from...her reply wasn't quite what I'd expected...but at least the window had been open.


After jumping up...brushing myself down...and spitting out a few clumps of grass...I hurried to get the task over and done with.


Once all the furniture was back in place Granddad reluctantly went back home. I remained and continued to return the rest of the plunder...as best as I could...to it's place of origin.


With some relief I deposited the last piece of jewellery within its box...and carried it over to the dresser in the bedroom where I presumed it usually lived. 


I was just about to put it down when the bedroom door burst open to reveal a rather irate looking Police Constable!...


"Stay right where you are...do you have permission to be on these premises Sir?"...he asked accusingly...


"Ah..Well..Kind of...I know how it must look but it's not what it seems"...I stuttered.


"Well Sir...We've received a complaint that you have entered these premises unlawfully...So I'd be obliged if you would accompany me to the station where we can discuss the matter in more detail" 


"Whoa!...No need for that!...If you'll just allow me a moment...My Grandmother lives a few doors away...she'll explain what's going on!"...I'd barely finished the sentence when...much to my relief...Gran appeared from the doorway just behind the Constable!...


" Oh Gran!...Thank God!...Will you please explain to this gentleman what I'm doing here?"...I pleaded...


Gran wasn't stupid...I knew she'd have the sense to say I was  checking up on the place whilst the Belchers were away...I was feeling better all ready!...


"Of Course Ted"...she agreed


"He's here Officer because Mr and Mrs Belcher have gone abroad for a couple of weeks...and I've been entrusted with the key...to keep an eye on the place"...

I provided the Officer with the biggest smug grin I could muster...accompanied by a ...'See I told you so!'...shrug of the shoulders...


Gran continued...


"Ted came over to mine and his Grandfathers house to assist with the rearranging of some furniture within our home"...


I was still doing the 'Smug Grin' and the 'Shoulder Shrug'...but now it was beginning to hurt...and I looked a bit freaky.


"So it's obvious Constable"...she went on...approaching conclusion...


I gathered myself together...ready to leave...


"That that's when...he must have taken the key from my purse!"


"WHAT???...


"WHOA!...WAIT!...GRAN!....What're you saying???...Have you gone mad???"...as if I needed to ask that!

I was incapable of speech!...Gran stood there...the veritable embodiment of innocence...whilst this guy pulled out his handcuffs after reading me my rights!


"Gran! For the sake of Christ!!!...Help me out will you???"...I begged.


"Don't you worry Ted dear...me and your Grandfather will make sure you get all the help you need...Poor boy...It's all part of his condition Officer...I'm sure you understand"...she slithered.


"I do indeed Madam...You did mention this problem earlier...As I said at the time he'll still need to come in for questioning...but we will take his mental issues into consideration I assure you. 


Oh and thanks again for phoning us...You did the right thing...it was very brave of you"...he stated as he began to lead me through the door.




"One last thing Officer please...before you take him...may I give him a hug?"...Now this was getting really scary!


"Of course Madam"


With that Gran took me in her arms...and lovingly whispered in my ear...


"That'll teach you to mess with Granny...You bug eyed little f*ck!"


She terrifies me...............................




Till next time...xx

The Belchers Part One...

Granddad said that Gran had instructed him to rearrange the furniture in the living room because it's current position wasn't conducive to the stability and general well being of her psyche. One of us must have a hearing problem...because the words I heard in the background were...


"I'm sick of staring at the same f*ckin' wall...get this settee and that f*ckin' bookshelf moved somewhere else...before I put me kicking clogs on and jump on yer face!"


'Kicking Clogs' I hear you ask?...Yep...she has clogs to suit all occasions...'Clever' eh?... 


Anyway...Always happy to help...I'd gone over to Granddad's to give him a hand. 


We were managing ok really...but it would have been a lot easier if Gran had have moved from her chair whilst we shifted it!


Thankfully she eventually got out of our way by popping to a neighbours house to collect some ornaments and stuff to sell at the forthcoming antiques fair. 


Me and Granddad just carried on getting stuck in to the task ahead...but...(to our delight)...without being whip lashed by Gran's tongue...(to be fair it was quite an impressive skill...the drool knocked me a bit sick though). 


As I went to move a small table...something sitting upon it caught my eye...so I asked Granddad what kind of an ornament it was?


"Ornament son?...That's no ornament... it's one of your Gran's 'Nick Nacks'...Oh aye...she's little patience with door to door sales people...especially the gobby ones"...he explained as I looked at him with my eyes on stalks!


"Mind you...you can't deny her creative talents"...he continued..."Look what she made last week when that chap from British Gas called"...and with that he pointed to the lamp in the corner...








"Don't get me wrong..."...he went on ..."If any of them do get to come in...your Gran's always more than hospitable...and insists they sit down"


Granddad had no sooner finished telling me this when Gran made an appearance at the back door...struggling to drag a tiny wooden cabinet behind her.  I rushed over to assist.


"Careful with that...my little plague bubo...it's worth good money!... And whilst yer at it...go and get the rest of the stuff...it's in that holdall in the porch"...she ordered.


The bag was quite heavy and being curious to know what was inside...I asked Gran if I could have a little look...


"'Course you can...you nosey pug faced bastard...carry on"...she purred.


With some effort I carefully pulled the bag onto the dining table...and began to peruse its contents.


There were so many beautiful things to look at...watches... be-jewelled rings...gold bracelets...tiny figurines and even a collection of tie pins...allsorts!...


It was such a spectacular gathering...and obviously acquired over quite some period of time...I was surprised that anyone would want to part with it all...and I said so to Gran.


"Well they never said anything about that to me...all I'm doing is selling it on "...she replied.


"Which neighbours are they Gran?"


"The Belchers from number 42"


"Oh yes...lovely couple...I was only talking to Mr Belcher a couple of days ago...he was excited 'cos they were going off on holiday for a week or so...Spain I think"


"Majorca"..she corrected.


"Ah right...'Majorca'...lovely..."...I responded with a distracted air...something was niggling at me...



"Hold on Gran"...I began with furrowed brow..."Mr Belcher told me their flight was last night!"



"This morning actually...Mr F*ckin' Know it All"


"Then how did you get their stuff?"


"They left me their key!...What's it to you anyway...Captain Bumwart?"


"So you have their permission to take these things?"


"For f*cks sake!...YES!...They told me to help meself to what I wanted...'cos it would only go bad if I didn't!...I'm doing them a f*ckin' favour!...You interfering...short arsed...shit butty!"


" Food Gran!...they meant Food!...Food will go bad!!!!"


"Oh shut the f*ck up!...You're like the bastard child of Yoda and Gandhi!...Mr Goodie two sandals!"



I looked around for Granddad's support...but he'd been wise enough to get out of the way...and was nowhere to be seen.


"What to do?...What to do?...What to do?"...I worried to myself...Whilst Gran...with her usual nonchalance...broke into a tuneless rendition of...'Got to Pick a Pocket or Two!!!'


Numb and knackered...I decided the best thing to do was to sit down...and try to think of a plan...Looking back...I wish I'd taken more notice of the chair before I actually did this!...It still hurts when I cough!....


TO BE CONTINUED.......


Night for now...xx

Gizza Snog!...

Winston...Cedric...Arthur...and me. All pals together and each of us from different class systems...but without a care 'cos we just enjoy what we are together....which is usually pissed.


 Winston is an unpretentious 'Upper Class'...Cedric is a reluctant 'Middle Class'...I am a resolute 'Working Class'...and Arthur is a very proud 'Criminal Class'...We love the other dearly...( But not in a 'Touch Me Bum' kinda way!...Let's just get that straight from the off! ). 


Me and the lads had got together to organise Winston's birthday bash. Cedric and Arthur said they'd found the perfect pub to suit all our needs...



"The Queens Legs...Open All Day"....it boasted...and Arthur said the Landlady was letting us use the function room free of charge...then he tapped the end of his nose and gave me a knowing wink...Christ knows what that meant...and I didn't ask.


My job was to sort out a surprise Kiss-A-Gram...something that would suit Winston's temperament...and be well worth the heart attack he'd probably have afterwards.


Finding a suitable place to hire one from wasn't that easy...despite the tempting appeal of those with names like...''Sluts who Snog"...'Longin' For A Tonguein' '... and "Crusty Kisses". Eventually, however, I settled for one who advertised...'We Pleasure At Your Leisure'...there was something about this one that felt right. 


Cedric advised that we took into consideration Winston's 'Posh' upbringing...by not hiring anyone too sleazy. Arthur advised that we said 'Bollocks' to that...and hired a complete whore because the 'Posh' invented sleaze...and Winston himself would have demanded it!..( fair point ).



After sifting through quite a comprehensive list of possible themes which included...'Naughty Ninja Nun'...'Dirty Donkey the Dancer'...'Frisky Fiddling Farmer'...and 'Massive Maureen the Mauling Midget'...I finally picked ...'Sultry Syphilia the Sudanese Seductress'...'cos it had a certain ring to it I thought.


Well the night got off to a wonderful start...Beer and Buffet what more could you want?...Cedric suggested 'Bitches'...but 'Just for the purpose of alliteration'...he insisted.


I was glad to see such a great turn out for Winston...some were old faces we'd not seen in years...such as Bagpuss who apologised for being late but explained...'Those f*cking mice wouldn't give me any space!...They've been breeding like f*cking...well...like f*cking mice!


Kermit was certainly enjoying himself...showing off with his ability to leap and drink simultaneously...but not always successfully.


Indeed a good time was being had by all...and no more so than when the Kiss-A-Gram arrived!


The room buzzed with music, laughter...and squelches...as various anatomical bits and pieces thrust against the other on the tiny dance floor. Then suddenly...lights were dimmed and the 70's Disco music replaced by the evocative pulse of the Nubian/African Rhythm.



All eyes focused upon the door by the ladies toilets...as a  vision emerged...enfolded from head to toe within layers of the finest silk...with nothing else revealed other than two beautiful heavily lashed dark mysterious eyes. Hips swayed provocatively as this ethereal beauty undulated tauntingly into the room...and straight into the face of Winston... whose jaw had dropped so far it looked like a cat flap!


The entire ensemble urged Winston on with great cheers and whoops as he was pulled from his chair...and instantly enveloped by Syphilia's wrappings. 


Without missing a beat Syphilia's hips continued to gyrate and grind in perfect unison with the music..whilst a firm hand secured Winston's position submerged with the folds of the cloth from where all kinds of slurping and groaning could be heard. 


After a while the music changed pace to a faster rhythm and suddenly Winston was ejaculated from the bindings to be left on the floor ...on his back...wearing the biggest grin you'd ever seen!



The fun didn't stop there though...as he lay prostrate on the floor...Syphalia slowly and sexily...rippled towards him where...upon reaching him...gently straddled his form before using his body as a space hopper! 


The room was going mental with raucous laughter and frenzied clapping...as the bouncing got bouncier. Shouts and hoots of encouragement were ringing throughout the room...only subsiding when the music began slowly to drift to a halt...marking the end of what must be seen as...a brilliant display of bawdy erotica.


With unsurpassed grace...and whilst still maintaining an air of sensual superiority...Syphilia alighted from a deliriously happy Winston...and twirled and twisted out of the room...as the sound of wild...enthusiastic applause ravaged our ear drums.  


Everyone agreed it had been the best Kiss-A-Gram they'd ever seen. Winston, however,  wasn't able to say much...because his face had locked into a permanent grin of unadulterated satisfaction! 


However he did managed to mumble that whilst a captive of Syphilia's apparel...he had licked things that he had never licked before...and was eager to lick them again...and then he sat back...eyes closed with his face illuminated by its beaming smile.


Sadly...all good things must come to an end...and we'd each certainly had a good time to say the least...but it was now time to say 'Goodbye''. 


So after lots of well wishing pats on the back...copious 'Thankyou's' from everyone... and a few quick bear hugs..we each made our drunken way to the taxi rank.


It was a particularly long queue...which was typical for a weekend... but we didn't care 'cos we were still euphoric over the nights events and merrily reliving every moment of it with the other...but as I turned my head in laughter at something Arthur said about beavers...I noticed a familiar shape at the front of the queue...


I left the lads where they where to check out if it was who I thought it was...


Yes!...It was Granddad...''Perfect'' I thought as I ran up to him.


"Hiya Granddad...any chance me and the lads can jump in the cab with you...we're all going the same way...only there's a massive queue and we're at the end of it?"..I moaned.


"I'd love to help you out son but I'm not on me way home..I'm going the opposite direction and I've got an appointment...sorry son''


"Oh don't worry Granddad...we wont be kept waiting that long really"...I said.  Then curiosity got the better of me causing me to ask...


"Appointments Granddad?...This time of night?"


"The night's young lad!...I've another three appointments to go to before my night's over"


"Appointments where though Granddad?"...I persisted...Just as his taxi pulled up and he opened the door and stepped inside.


Settling in his seat...Granddad wound down the window...and whilst adjusting the beautiful silk material that spilled  from his half buttoned coat...winked one heavily lashed eye at me and said...


"Wherever it is...I'm sure you'd approve son...Oh and...Give Winston all  the best from me....again"...and with another fluttering wink of his eye...off the taxi sped...


I tripped over my jaw several times on my way back down the queue to where the lads waited. They were laughing hysterically at Winston as he related further details of what happened under Syphilia's frock!..Personally...I felt quite sick...but I never I never said a bloody word.


It may be some time before I can look anyone in the eye again...especially Granddad!...


'Till Next Time..xx

All Pain No Pleasure...

Shopping at Primark is like weeing in the bath...We've all done it but no one wants to admit it.




I was blaming the wild spending spree I'd enjoyed at Primark for the nagging pain I had down my back and into my side. Walking home with the strain of countless bulging bags pressing upon my unfit frame had to be the cause  of my discomfort surely...mind you it was the best £5 I've ever spent!


That night my sleep was restless and fevered...Pain permeated my dreams...twisting them into garish nightmares where Gran...sitting upon a throne fashioned from the knee caps of broken hearted chickens... surrounded by discarded shopping trollies...cackled joyously as Satan slurped greedily from her pendulous...centrally placed... withered breast.


 Her  impish acolytes drew pleasure from my agonised screams as they repeatedly bashed me about the head with the omnibus edition of the tiresome babble that is ''50 Shades of Grey"...Could have been worse I suppose....they could have been reading it to me.


By morning I felt much worse and I could tell Ralph was worried because he'd stopped licking his genitals to ask how I was...I just wish he hadn't leaned into my face to enquire!





Anyway... in my desperation to ease the pain I allowed Ralph to treat the affected area with a heat spray...and thanks to that experience I now know what it must feel like to exfoliate with a fist full of stinging nettles!


 This is when I realised something wasn't quite right and so...under Ralphs instruction...I rang NHS Direct...




"Good Morning NHS Direct"...said the monotonic voice with all the warmth of a mortuary slab.


"Oh hello...I'm sorry to bother you but I wonder if you could help me?"


"What's the problem?"...she yawned.


"Well...I've a terrible pain down my back and into my side"


"What kind of pain?"


Why do people ask that question? How am I supposed to answer it?..."It's a wonderful pain really...I'm reluctant for the misery to stop?"


"All I can tell you is that it's a painful pain"...I informed her.


"Can you describe it to me"


"What??...Describe it to you?...Not really!...If it helps I can scream down the phone...then maybe you could assess it!"

I heard a distinct sigh.


We stumbled around a few more questions whilst my need for diagnosis and solution reached critical mass...that's when she asked....


"What do YOU think you've got?"


"Pardon!"


"What do YOU think you've got?"


"What do I think I've got???...What-Do-I-Think-I've-Got???...I haven't a frigging clue!...Stupidly I was hoping YOU'D tell ME!...Isn't that how this works?...Otherwise you'd be called NHS Self Help Line wouldn't you?...And what would be the frigging point in that???"


There was a lengthy pause and then...

"So you don't have an idea then?"


"Oh Jesus Christ Almighty!...Give me frigging strength!!!"


"Sir there is no need for that kind of language...may I assure you that I am doing my best to assist you"...these words tapered off to be replaced by a barely audible sniffle...and then silence.


"Hello!...Are you still there?"


"Yes"...came the eventual reply...masked by more sniffles.


Feeling extremely awkward I enquired...


"Are you ok?"


A little squeaky sob followed by a very feeble...


"Not really"


"Why..what's wrong?"


"I've barely slept in days"...a tiny whimper and huge blow of the nose accompanied this confession.

"How come?"

"I've got terrible tooth ache...(sob)... and I can't get into the dentist until next week...then this morning...(sob)... one side of my face is all swollen...It really hurts"...more sobs only louder.


"What are you taking for it?"


"Paracetamol...but it's not touching the pain"...this was followed by half a sob and a sniff...and lots of mucous swallowing.


"Ahhh right!...I see the problem"


"What do you mean?"


"You need to take some anti-inflammatories...that'll sort you out!...They'll reduce the inflammation and the swelling...so the pain will ease"

You could feel the hope in her voice when she said.."Do you really think that'll work?"...as she snorted phlegm back up her throat.


"Absolutely!...I had similar problem not long ago...Worked a treat...You should see an emergency dentist though...You've probably got an abscess or a cyst...Easily remedied"...I promised smiling down the phone.


"Oh thank you so very much"...she delighted..."You've been incredibly helpful...I'm so grateful".


"No need for thanks...You're very welcome"...I returned proudly.


"Well thanks again anyway...See you around then...Bye now"


"Yes...Any time....Bye"...I smiled as I replaced the handset.

A moment later when I painfully sat down...I had one question to ask myself...


" What the f*ck just happened????"...




Until next time....ouch....x